god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
