Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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