Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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