Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
