bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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