Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
