So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
someone owes me an orgasm
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
bring money and cleavage
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
