The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
