my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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