So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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