I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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