im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
