yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
