I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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