Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
