That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
