so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We have started to decorate penises.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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