just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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