I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
