my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
