i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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