A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
