Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
