she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
