So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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