Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize