I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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