his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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