This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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