Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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