Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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