Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
