This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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