The maid of honor just puked.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
