YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
