hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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