did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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