if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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