why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
