I cannot find my penis.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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