so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
