Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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