At least make sure they are 18
Why
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
