he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
