Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
COCAINE IS GR8
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My feet surprised me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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