Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(213): View more from California

I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.

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(313): View more from Michigan

That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(305): View more from Florida

Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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(903): View more from Texas

You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.

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