His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
