I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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