wakey wakey hands off snakey
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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