If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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