forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
