Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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