why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
