You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
