Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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