What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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