There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Be still, my beating vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
